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Is It Just Me? Rant No. 2: Popsicles then and today

Remember when they were made right? With two sticks? Barbara Armitage does
Next earlier column: Is it Just Me? Rant No. 1. Fed up with: phone trees

By Barbara Armitage

Is it just me or did someone out there go and mess up one of my favorite childhood treats?

A few days ago I had a craving flung upon me and I called Wayne to tell him to bring home a box of popsicles from the Kroger. I haven't had a popsicle in this century but suddenly I couldn't wait to enjoy my personal favorite - grape.

As kids we had to eat it really fast to keep it from melting in the hot Florida sun a practice which would inevitably lead to that excruciating pain of the dreaded "brain freeze". The upside was being able to stick your tongue out at your little brother and not get in trouble for it because you were just showing him "what color popsicle you ate".

Eating a favorite old treat you haven't had in ages like a popsicle demands planning. This afternoon everything came together - just enough sun coming in on the porch to warm the couch. The house blissfully quiet, Wayne gone to Louisville, dogs asleep all over the yard, even the cat was curled up at my feet. A day like this only comes once in a woman's lifetime and I was going to celebrate with a little bit of frozen purple heaven on a stick.

That's when things started to go bad - what happened? Well first I want to know who told them that they could change a national treasure? Popsicles used to have two sticks. Is the economy so bad that we can no longer afford two little wooden sticks? There was a reason for the two sticks. There was an art to giving a popsicle a whack on the edge of the kitchen table to break it in half so that you could share one side with your best friend. Well no more, now they come as singles. Don't kids have friends to share with anymore?

I got past my initial disappointment of not being able to "whack" my popsicle on the table edge and got down to the business of eating. I was sure that sugary sweet grape flavor I remembered would be the same. OMG! It was horrible - I was positive that I had been poisoned! I ran back to the kitchen to check the box certain that I had somehow ingested a rat poison frozen treat of some kind. NO, it was worse than poison it was SUGAR FREE!

For the sake of science I actually sacrificed my taste buds so that I could say for certain that all three flavors failed to pass the frozen treat test. I choked down a grape, cherry and an orange popsicle and of the three only the cherry was almost edible. And while the experience did leave a nasty chemical taste in my mouth my tongue is a disappointingly normal color.

Get real people - what has this world become? Are we trying to take ALL the fun out of life? Cos if we are we're getting pretty darn close. If this keeps up we may actually be able to die of boredom soon.

So, is it just me or is there anyone else out there getting tired of sugar free, fat free, and taste free food?

Remember if it tastes bad - spit it out! - BARBARA ARMITAGE

This story was posted on 2012-09-27 00:31:59
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